Why the need to grow up so fast?

I'm officially 21-years old as of two weeks ago.

I have to use more than the two hands God gave me, to count the number of people I know my age that are expecting a baby, have a baby ((or three)), are engaged, and/or married.

More numbers.

50%.

The divorce rate.

Half of all couple who marry - divorce.

I would bet you that an even smaller percentage of the still-married 50% are sticking together for love. There's always "for the kids," "for the money," "because I'll end up in the hospital if I try to leave..."

Then, on the complete opposite side of the love universe, you have these ridiculous romantic movies that preach "true love" and "soulmates."

How are we, as humans, supposed to compute this information? Is there some sort of balance between the perfect cookie cutter movie and the disturbing truth of statistics?

I myself come from divorced parents. Both have been through a number of relationships. Growing up with that makes it hard to wrap my head around couples that have been together 50+ years.

Peace Be With You...

Five years ago I knew less than I knew now. I knew less about life and its lessons. I knew less about feelings and love. I knew less about where I would find myself today.

I knew less about the power death and how it can irrevocably change both your life and your outlook.

One thing I share with both my past and present self is the knowledge of pain and how it feels to both give and receive.

Five years ago I hurt you in a way that I swore to myself that I would never do again. We went our separate ways, but my heart was always with you as hard is that is to imagine. To this day I cry when I talk about what I did...as few and far between as that is...

When you would come back home there was always someone new in my life. Someone who was desperately trying to erase the hold you had on my heart though they never knew why that was why they had to work so hard...But I couldn't tell you how I truly felt because that would be breaking the promise I made to myself to never hurt another like I hurt you. No matter how torn and ragged my insides became, no matter how many times I would play your face and voice in my mind - I couldn't break my promise. Not even for you.

Now I'm free and I'm literate in many things that I wasn't before. I'm stronger. I'm angrier. I'm more compassionate. I'm more devious. I haven't been to church since he died...

he did not merely 'pass away' he's gone and will never be coming back...

No one I've found can understand what I grew up with that I held back even telling you about. That "guy" you met while you were visiting my college...he took something from me that I will never get back. Something that I had wanted to hold on to until the right time, the special time.

Five years ago I had not known a person could hurt like I do. I had known pain, but not this pain.

Now that I'm so much more ready for life - both the good and the bad...you're gone.

All those years you would come around asking if I still felt the same. The day you asked me to marry you, not while we were dating but to "get back at the man," I had thought you were joking...If I had known how serious you had been I would've broken my promise to you. I would've told you how I felt. I would've told you everything. Everything, every word, every thought, every dream...

As the last relationship was in its last countdown I filled my thoughts with you and how I would now be able to truly tell you how I feel because your marriage wasn't one of love, but now I'm not so sure...

I'll admit I spent a lot of time searching on the internet and talking to mutual friends and the consensus is that you're happy. Or at the least, you're comfortable.

All those years when I had the chance to tell you...and now it's too late...and I can't...

Maybe one day I can jokingly tell you I love you with a "just kidding" tacked on the end to keep it from being awkward, but I hope you can see through my facade. I hope you can see the truth. I hope...

Terrified.

I made a decision.

It wasn't an easy one - and in fact has involved many more, albeit smaller, decisions since then.

I broke up with my boyfriend. Yea, sure. No problem...there were no "feelings," but he was/is a great guy nonetheless.

So here I am almost 21 years old with a full-time job, starting school in the next couple weeks, car payments, insurance, bills and the whole shebang. Now on top of all that, I'm as physically homeless as I've felt for most of my life. (*insert annoying emo crying here*) Awesome. At least I have a car (hence car payments) that I can sleep in at creepy parks. Just kidding - I have friends I'll end up staying with, but I have always wanted my home. Not somebody's place where I simply have a roof over my head and my clothes in my trunk (though it is pretty fun for a limited amount of time...)

I know in my head that I will be okay, but everyday I find myself...vibrating almost. In one part of my brain everything is okay, but of course there are other places that are working overtime filling my thoughts with worst possible scenarios.

So here I am, repeating to myself that I may not be able to keep up the photography for a bit, or keep working on jewelry, but I will survive.

But what type of life is that? Merely surviving.

Personal Vacation

I have a constant monologue running in my head about a half a million things. A to-do list that is, more often than not, getting more added to it than taken off, plot lines for stories that haven't gotten very close to getting written, jewelry designs, trips I'd like to take for photography, places I'd like to go...and the list goes on.

The problem with all of these things? They always fail to get done.

I get these amazing ideas, but life makes it hard to take the time to sit down and do something that doesn't involve making money especially when you're living on your own so I make a last second decision, called into work, and told them I'd be leaving the country for a funeral.

This entire week I have no work to get to AND I'm getting paid. God Bless paid time off...

He knows I've put the time in and I deserve this. So, this week is MINE.

Right now it's all about cleaning up and getting everything in order and then starting on all my projects. This week will be a learning experience and a chance to unwind in the only way I know how -- doing things, haha.

Random Thought

Now that the Twilight Series has made a big hit every teen girl has gone vampire crazy, but for some reason it got me thinking to any other vampire novel I've ever picked up...there was one random question that always popped up in the back of my head that no book ever answered.

Do vampires go to the bathroom??